Starting Again...

Some might think it’s way too early to be thinking about our next baby, but we’ve been talking about since we were in the hospital giving birth to Juby and we had to accept that we would not be taking her home with us.  We are both keen to start trying again: our arms and hearts ache just to have a living baby of our own to hold. And sometimes, I just want to skip forward to the part where I have the live baby in my arms so I don’t have to endure the pain and the waiting and the trails of starting all over again. But I know that there will be a lesson in the journey for me, whatever is in store.

 I’m trying to be as positive as I can about the possibilities. Since losing Jubilee, I’ve tried not to shield myself from things for fear of hurt; for example the first time I went to town on my own after Juby was born, I went into the baby section at Target and I looked at baby clothes. I still look up baby things on the internet and research about pregnancy. I visited Jubilee and Isaac’s grave on my own (that’s huge for me).  When I see people I know well in town, I smile excitedly and ask them “Would you like to see a photo of my baby?” and I show them our family photo and talk about Jubilee as if she was being babysat by someone at the current moment and I just slipped into town on my own. I put some baby clothes on layby the other day. I talk openly with people about “our next baby.”  Jubilee had folder in our filing draw that all her paper work in it from the moment it was confirmed that she was conceived – it had “Number One Baby” written on the front- so the other day after the hospital check-up, I made a new folder with “Number Two Baby” on it and placed the telephone number, that we have to ring at the hospital as soon as we know I am pregnant again, inside.

I think all these things are good for me and are helping me to get on with things. Don’t get me wrong- I’m still grieving in my own way; I still cry, I still feel immense hurt.  But, I have to try my best to push forward in faith, knowing full well you can never be ‘over’ such a thing- you can just learn how to manage it more easily each day.

And so today, on the subject of baby no.2, I’m just asking for everyone’s prayers that God’s will be done in our lives and that we have the strength to deal with whatever that may be.  I’m trusting that God knows the desires of our hearts and that he will bless us with the children we are yearning for.