Surprise!

I can't believe it is almost the end of August. This month has been ridiculously crazy for us. Every weekend there seems to be something happening and on my days off  and in the afternoons after school I've been in and out of countless appointments to the doctors. You see, part of my "blog avoidance" has been due to the fact that I've been hiding a big secret and its not that I haven't wanted to write- I've tried- but it was just to hard not to say something that would give it all away!!!

We are having Baby No. 3 :-)

Praise the Lord!!!

 

So here is a quick recap of the past 14 weeks with all the things I've been documenting that I can now share with you all! I've copied most of it from my pregnancy calendar (which I write- sometimes to the baby and sometimes just for me- as record of the pregnancy) cos its been a while now and so much going on that there is no way I could remember it all off the top of my head!! :-)

 

 

4 WEEKS

·         Positive Pregnancy Test J x 2. Wanted to test a bit early cos when I would usually ended up being Juby's due date and if we weren't pregnant I wanted time to get used the idea instead of marking that day with doubly sad feelings.

·         Made a special announcement banner to share the news with Daddy. He nicknamed you "Pea" cos thats what size you are at the moment.

·         Friday, 22^nd June J Big Sister Juby’s Due Date. Spent with Mum, Aunty Sare and Granny at our last Gooburrum Sports Day- No tears, just a happy Mummy- blessed to be pregnant for the third time in less than 10 months.

7 WEEKS

·         Wednesday 18^th July- Daddy’s 32^nd Birthday. Dinner at Johns Asian Delight (photo above).

·         Daddy had a bad cold and flu all week and he passed it onto Mummy- sick with fever on and off Thursday 19^th- Monday 23^rd July. Saw a pharmacist and were given Paracetamol, Strepsils, Saline Nasal Spray to combat flu in a “pregnancy safe” way.

·         Friday 20^th July- First Antenatal Appointment at EPAU Clinic- Mummy went on her own. Got to see the baby on the portable ultrasound machine- strong heart beat and so tiny and cute! God blessed us with a beautiful Indian lady doctor named Sandi, who had lost a baby from cervical incompetence and is also a negative blood group- so she really understood Mummy’s concerns and said that we have to scan of the cervix nearly every week until the stitch goes in. She thought the safest time for that would be 14 or 15 weeks (a little later than I expected).  Was sooo exciting!

 

11 WEEKS

·         Wednesday 8^th August-  Mummy had a pretend “sick day” off work cos they were doing lots of walking for this fun day around the oval and I didn’t think it was a safe idea for you and me at the moment. Went for a hospital appointment. We saw Margaret who was present at Juby’s birth. We worked out when the stitch would be and organised for the paper work to be sent to us. Got to see you on the ultrasound again which was great J Daddy was there and it was amazing seeing you kicking around and your little heart flickering on the screen.

·         Saturday 11^th August- Dad’s birthday party. Told some more family members and later in the night had lots of fun showing off your 11 week ultrasound video to everyone!

 

 

13 WEEKS

·         Thursday, 23^rd August- Pre Admission Appointment for the stitch at the hospital. Saw lots of doctors and nurses- was blessed to see Dr Sandi again and she said that the doctors had been talking about my situation and agreed to put me on Progesterone pessaries which will hopefully calm my uterus before, during and after the procedure. I requested an ultrasound to get the most up to date look at the cervix because I haven't had one for a couple of weeks now and things can change in an instant with a cervix (like we know, only too well).

14 WEEKS

·         Wednesday 31^st August- 14 week ultrasound- to check the condition of the cervix. Daddy was away for a work conference overnight and so I invited Aunty Roo and Aunty Sare and Mum along- it was the first time the little girls had been to an ultrasound and the first time Mum had been to one with me. Had the sonographer who did Juby’s 18 week scan- before entering the room, he read my details and discovered about our loss,  looked back on the scan photos in my file and confirmed that my cervix was indeed completely closed at the scan. He was really suprised at what had happened but was really caring and jokingly said "So are you getting lassoed this time?". He did a full morphology check on the baby like  they would at a 18-20 week scan and reassured me that everything is fine. He took a detailed look at the cervix and confirmed that it is  completely closed and a very thick cervix, which was very pleasing and, providing it stays that way till Monday, gives the stitch the best possible chance of working
·         Thursday 30^th August- Booking-In appointment with Ramona who was a nurse that attended me with Juby. Pretty uneventful. Just filling in paper work and got a urine test. Made sure ultrasound results arrive in time for the stitch on Monday. We talked about how I was feeling about the operation and so on.
 

As you could imagine, my husband wanted to keep it very quiet, for what felt like forever to me, but in the last couple of weeks his excitement levels have risen drastically and we've been able to tell our immediate families and some close friends. I'm sure everyone else has probably guessed- especially at work in the past couple of weeks- but they won't get to find out officially from me until I get back to work in two weeks time. I've been a bit self conscious in some ways- with Juby's pregnancy, from 11-18 weeks we were on the Christmas holidays and so things like starting to show etc remained basically a secret until I went back to school by which stage there was no hiding it anyways. So its been hard this time because I've been at work the whole time and people have been asking but I haven't wanted to share because I didn't want to get out everywhere until after the stitch goes in. When you work at such a public place, a pregnancy becomes a very public thing- I learnt that with Jubilee.


I'll be   15 WEEKS  on Monday- a new photo to come- I've popped out alot since the 13 Week photo.

 

AND also, on Monday, the stitch goes in. I'm due at the hospital at 7:30am and am booked in for surgery at 8:30 am.

Please keep me and Pea in your prayers.

 

I'll be having two weeks of rest at home and then back to work for the last week of term and then two weeks holiday. We are praying that our hearts are prepared for the outcome, no matter what it may be, and recieve that same peace with had with Jubilee birth. I'm also holding onto the hope that it worked 6 times for my mum but I'm also being realistic about that fact that it doesn't guarantee anything for me. I was reading some posts about peoples feelings about getting a stitch (or cervical cerclage) and I saved this one cos its the attitude that I want to have:
 

jones63 says
Hello, I would recommend the cerclage for anyone.
The risk accompanied by faith doesn't stand a chance.
It is not 100% guarantee but it helped me carry to erm for my last pregnancy 36 weeks,
and my current pregnancy I'm 27 weeks. Good luck and God bless.

 

He is Near :-)

"The Lord is close to the broken-hearted

and saves those who are crushed in spirit."

Psalm 34:18

Last week, we had the pleasure of accompanying my grandma (Ma-Ma) to her first visit to Juby and Isaac's grave. since the headstone went up. It was really nice too that she was able to take a photograph of both Adam and I together, with the headstone as no one else has been with us before to do so. I'm still really happy with how it looks- more like a commorative plaque rather than a typical headstone. As you can see, we are both going well. We are trying to hang in there with the God the best we can and are praying for His protection and the fulfilment of His plan in our lives. He is, indeed, close to us and is lifting us up through our trials and tribulations.

...The Encouragement I Need today....

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything.

Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.

Philippians 4:6

 

*****
......And  some comic relief too :-)

August 2- Living Each Day As It Comes...

God determines the number of your days, but you determine how they are spent. The Psalmist said, 'This is the day the Lord has made; we will rejoice and be glad in it. You can begin your life over today, if you live by these words:

'Today I will delete from my diary two days-yesterday and tomorrow. Yesterday was for learning; tomorrow will be a consequence of what I do today.

Today I will face life with the conviction that this day will never return,

that it may be the last opportunity I'll have to contribute because there's no guarantee I'll see tomorrow.

Today I will be courageous enough not to let opportunity pass me by; my only alternative will be to succeed.

Today I will invest my most valuable resource, my time, into my most important possession, the life God has given me.

 I'll spend each minute purposefully, making today a unique opportunity. I'll tackle each obstacle knowing that with God's help I can overcome it.

Today I will resist doubt and pessimism and warm my world with a smile.

I'll maintain a strong faith, expect nothing but the best, take time to be happy, see every task as an opportunity to honour the Lord, and endeavour to leave His footprints on the hearts of those I meet.'

John Boykin wrote, 'Time is your life-nothing more, nothing less. The way you spend your hours and your days, is the way you spend your life.' So pray, 'Lord, help me to maximise this day.'


I'll admit, I've been terribly slack on adding to my blog of late. I'm feeling it may be due to lack of time with school having started up once again. But also, being completely honest, in some ways there really hasn't been much to share. God has been awesome in guiding and providing and I'm still trusting; there's not that much more going on. Things I have read haven't been speaking to me in the same way they were in previous months and I've questioned whether or not certain things which have given me strength recently would really be worth sharing with everyone- especially considering someone who is walking in similar shoes to those I have in the past 6 months. Despite this, I still feel God's preseence closer to me than ever.

Maybe, too,  it's because I've just been taking each day as it comes. Life hasn't seemed too overwhelming and things seemed to have plateaued. Not that I still don't have my ups and downs- its definitely a constant struggle- but perhaps through prayer and constant petition, I might have learnt to some degree to curb my worries.

Each day on the way to school, I ask for strength for just one more day. Certain things still make me angry that I had to loose my little girl- mainly, insensitive people and often people who I would think should know better.However, I'm trying to not take things so personally and I'm finding new ways and new people to share my story with.

At the moment, I have been blessed to have a prac student in my class giving me hand with the kids- I have 29 of them now and sometimes its a real handful. We were talking about our families the other day and she told me that she has nieces and nephews and had never really contemplated having her own children until recently. I replied, "Really? I wish I was like that. I think my main problem is that I can't remember a time when I didn't know that I wanted to be a mother and maybe thats why its so hard for me to grasp God's plan in setting me back twice!" And we laughed.

 So yes, the grapplings are a daily affair. Its always a few steps forward and a couple back but at least I feel I'm getting further ahead then I am getting dragged back. I was in my Dad's shop this arv and he has a copy of the "Purpose Driven Life" there. And so, I pick it up and turn to Day Number 5 which is about your view on life. Of course, there is a section there on living through trails and tests in life. A part that did stand out to me was about trails coming in many forms including "delayed promises" and "tradegies": and well, didn't that ring some bells!!

At the moment, I'm trying just to enjoy time with my husband and spend my day off learning how to relax and do things for me (believe it not, its a challenge! having always been busy and on the go). Thank God for giving me the time to do that. If it weren't for Juby, I would not have been blessed with a reduced workload. I'm so thankful.

So thats a brief update from me, but if you are reading this, I pray you too have been feeling the presence of God in your life recently and that each day, you (and I) can choose to live in the abundant blessings God has for each of us.

The "Gap"

There is usually a huge gap between the birth of a dream and the achievement of that dream. The question you have to ask yourself is whether it will be a fulfilment gap or a frustration gap. If it's a frustration gap you'll be miserable most of the days you're in it. And every day that you're frustrated instead of fulfilled, you lessen the odds that you'll be able to keep moving forward toward your dream. Author Seth Godin calls this gap between when you set out to do something and when you actually start to see significant results 'the dip'. The dip represents the adversity you must face, the learning curve you must go through and the hard work you must be willing to invest between conception and realisation.

If the dip you are in seems to be a road without end, here are some Scriptures you need to stand on:

 'Don't be impatient for the Lord to act! Keep travelling steadily along His pathway and in due season He will honour you with every blessing.' (Psalm 37:34 TLB)

 'Do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what He has promised.' (Hebrews 10:35-36 NIV) '

So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.' (2 Corinthians 4:18 NIV)

God has promised you more than just the fulfilment of your dream; He has promised joy in each step you take toward it.

Amen to that!

My husband and I are just busy getting back into the routine of work and getting over colds and the like. Its his birthday tomorrow. I'm slightly sadden we have no baby to share in the flesh- I know each year he gets older the more upset he grows about not being an earthly daddy. He's longed, just as I have, to have children. I can totally sympathesise. I dread the thought of my birthday arriving too and still not being an earthly mummy and not having our babies there to cradle as we blow out the candles. Tomorrow night, when he blows out the candles, I know we'll have both Jubilee and Jasey on our minds. But God knows. Maybe next year. At the moment, we are just in that "gap" between the reality and our the achievement of our dreams and our God given callings. God help us to find the joy in each step along the way! 

To The Children of My Heart

This week, its been 6 months since we were blessed with the gift of Jubilee. I'm not usually into poems and things about loss cos I find some of them to be a bit lame. But I do love this one. I think it just says it how it is, without all the other mournful, "now you have an angel looking over you" stuff.  I stumbled across it months ago and have been waiting for the right time to share it with you all. I think today is it :-) So here goes:

To the Children of My Heart

O precious, tiny sweet little ones, you will always be to me,

So perfect, pure and innocent just as you were meant to be.

We dreamed of you and of your life and all that it would be.

We waited and longed for you to come and join our family. 

We never had the chance to play, to laugh, to rock, to wiggle.

We long to hold and touch you and listen to you giggle.

But now you’re gone…but yet you’re here,

You are our sorrow and our joy, there’s love in every tear. 

Just know our love goes deep and strong. We’ll forget you never.

The children we had, but never had, and yet will have forever.

Juby and Jasey-

the beautiful results of our undying love. You are our sorrow and our joy. The children we had, but never had, and yet will have forever.

Love always, Mummy and Daddy

Happy Ever After

"...If happy ever after did exist,

I would still be holding you like this..."

Payphone- Maroon 5

I know this song has been played to death on the radio in the last couple of months but everytime it comes on my husband and I sing along, especially loud, on this part cos it reminds us of our 'Jubes.' As my husband so often says, with his eyes tilted towards heaven, "Love ya Jubes!"

I also like the other line that leads into the chorus that says "....even the sun sets in paradise." Our lives sometimes seem less than perfect- we just have to admit that we live in a fallen world and no one, no matter how religious or loving or seemingly perfect, is exempt from bad things happening to them. As soon as we realise this, we can accept our misfortunes for what they are and put the "why mes?" behind us. We can stop dwelling on the bad, our perspective changes, and we can start living with hope and faith in what a new sun rise will bring; jubilee, rejoicing, joy and celebration. So love that our daugthers name means that!

For His anger lasts only a moment, but His favour lasts a lifetime;

weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.

Psalm 30:5

The Headstone is in place :-)

Taa daa!!! My little baby girls headstone and finally, after 23 years, my big brothers grave has been marked. I absolutely love it- the back, especially. My husband and I visited the grave yard earlier in the week and it must have just gone up. I was hoping it would have been there for Juby's due date but consistent bad weather had prevented them from setting it. Be sure to visit their bodies resting place sometime, if anything it only makes you more grateful for the gift of life which we have been so blessed to enjoy :-)


Also, today I noticed my blog has had 1001 page views :-) Praying, it continues to be a thing of healing for me and others who may stumble across my ramblings.

There's Holes in the Floor of Heaven

Holes in the Floor of Heaven

Heard this song on the radio the other day- concidently, last week when we had all of that never ending rain (good ol' Kix FM). So beautiful. Only thing its missing is a verse specifically for Juby and Jasey, but that aside, the chorus is pretty special anyway :-)

And there's holes in the floor of Heaven
and her tears are pourin down
that's how you know she's watchin'
wishin' she could be here now
and sometimes when I'm lonely
I remember she can see
there's holes in the floor of Heaven
and she's watchin' over you and me.

Except, I think they both are so blessed in many ways to have escaped this world of fear and pain to be with Jesus. They are whole, pure, innocent and without sin- just like Jesus, himself. Mum used to tell us that about Issac when we were little- that he never did anything naughty or wrong; that he was perfect and living in Heaven with Jesus. I don't imagine Jubilee or Jasey crying or being upset that they did not get longer with us on earth, but rather that they are thankful for the time they had and are joyful. I imagine them walking in sheer delight and with humility as they  gaze daily upon the face of the Lord and worship him with all their heart- if only we were so blessed from such a young age. Instead, God has chosen for us to live on earth and do His work here before we are reunited with Him- but that assignment too is a special blessing; to be trusted with the work of our Saviour and to learn how to love and be close to Him despite the journey our lives take.

Until, a few months ago I was scared of dying but now I just see it like something I can look forward to, seeing Jesus- number one!- but now, especially since I have a big brother, countless other family members and two very special little babies of my very own to be reunited with once I get to Heaven.

Lifting a Heavy Heart