Happy "14 Weeks"!

This is currently my favourite Juby photo!

You can see her cute little face and she looks so peaceful fast asleep!

It’s now been ‘14 Weeks’ since we lost our precious Jubilee. I think of her often, as I know I always will, and both my husband and I pray each night at dinner for her (and Jasey and our babies to come) and ask God to keep her safe until the time that He has ordained for us to all be together again. 

Two weekends ago, we sat behind the most gorgeous, premmie baby girl in church (it must have been her first visit cos I hadn’t seen her before and she was soooo tiny) and that just bought my emotions out to dry again. I really felt like all I wanted was a cuddle of that little baby to somehow soothe the brokenness of my soul but I couldn’t bring myself ( a bawling mess) to ask the mother.  This sparked a huge conversation in the car on the way home: my husband expressed his idea that  I’m a “dweller”  (and maybe there is truth to that) however,  I couldn’t help but respond with: “I’m sorry that you’ll never know what it’s like to have carried a baby inside you.” And I believe, it is that feeling alone, that has driven me to write this blog.

Last night, I went out for dinner with my family for a belated Mother’s Day. I gently reminded mum that today, I would have been 35 weeks pregnant. I was born at 35 weeks and so it’s been a bit of sore point reaching this milestone, knowing that if things were different, I could be giving birth to my baby girl right now and finally becoming the mummy of my dreams.  There was a lady with a pram sitting across from us and I said,  “I just want to be like that and take my pram with our baby in it places.” Sometimes, I just feel so close and yet soooo far. I found this poem at school by accident (or not! Thanks Jesus!) and I couldn’t help but relate:

My life reminds me of a jigsaw puzzle.

As one piece fits into another,

So my days join together to form the picture of my life.

I have mixed feelings as I examine the picture

already half assembled.

Some pieces I would like to remove or rearranged,

But I cannot, for they are fixed in place.

My life, like a jigsaw puzzle has been made up

Of many shades of colour.

There have been the bright, happy times, when things

Have gone smoothly,

There have been the dark, shadowy times of suffering,

despair and uncertainty.

The bright periods have been pleasant,

But I know it has been the difficult and dark times

That have given my life perspective and depth.

As I look to the future, I feel some trepidation-

the boundaries of the picture are not fixed.

How much of my life is still to be completed?

I have no way of knowing, because you only give the pieces to me daily, one at a time.

How many dark periods await me?

Will I have the strength and endurance to keep going victoriously,

No matter what comes my way?

I know I must step into the future with faith,

Believing that as you have been with me in the first half

Of my life, guiding , comforting and teaching,

You will continue to walk beside me in the future.

I do not know how or when my life will end,

But it is my prayer, that when the last piece of the puzzle

 is put into place,

what will appear is not a picture of me,

but a picture of you, O Lord.

During the past 14 weeks, I somehow thought that my pain would be nearly cured but I realise now that for the rest of my life, things will be a juggle between complete joy and the bittersweet and utter tragedy. However, whilst my hands are still empty, my heart is gradually filling each day with renewed hope and joy , through the strength that I find in Jesus Christ. I can’t imagine where and how I would have walked in this journey without knowing He has been by my side the entire time.

It’s been my privilege to share my innermost being with you. I will continue to post from now on, but perhaps not quite as often. However,  I pray that in the coming months and years, I can report back here with much more excitement and enthusiasm as God brings forth His promises in our life.