Steer My Ship....

God had a plan for your life before you were born. Indeed, it's why He brought you into the world. 'It is God who works in you to will and to act according to His good purpose.' (Philippians 2:13 NIV) God will actually create desires within you that guide you toward accomplishing His purpose. It's not serendipity or super-spirituality, but God at the helm, steering your ship. God-directed activity is unlimited activity. God never calls us to do what we can; He calls us to do what He can! '[He] is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us.' (Ephesians 3:20 NIV) How much divine energy is needed for your assignment? 'All His energy.' Awesome! And it is available to you today.

What Should Have Been....

I read this a couple of days ago on the 'iwillcarryyou' blog. It really pertained to me in this last week. . Instead of being home with my babies, I took on an extra day at work. I cried on the way to work and all day I couldn't stop thinking about how I wish I was putting time and effort into my own family instead of everyone elses. I know it was a selfish attitude and it wasn't the right way to be. My husband was onto me about being positive but I was miserable and caught up in what should have been and wanted to feel hurt and angry for a bit- I didn't want to pretend like I was happy and in love with my "career". I temporarily forgot about the grand scheme of things and got burrowed down in anguish.

I read a quote yesterday on a Caring Bridge page for a 5 year old little boy who has been waging a lengthy battle against Leukemia. His amazing mother included a quote which read, “What screws us up most in life is the picture in our head of how it was supposed to be.” In our situation, and certainly with theirs, it is easy to let the thoughts of “what should have been” drag us down and ultimately consume us — if we let them. We have the choice to be miserable or to believe positively. It could be argued that positive thinking is much easier said than done, especially in the face of devastating circumstances. But it is through faith and surrender that we come to realize that we aren’t the ones in control. Our idea of “what was supposed to be” often doesn’t acquiesce with God’s grand plan for us. In our willingness to surrender and trust God we will someday discover that God had something better in store for us. It most likely will not be immediately apparent. It could take several many years, or maybe not even in this lifetime. Being privy to this knowledge enables us to stop torturing ourselves and instead enjoy the little moments of happiness in each day as it comes.

 Dear Jesus, help our little family to come to you daily with our hurts and grievances. Help us to carry the cross you have given us to bear and to focus on the joy that waits before us. Amen

A Message from Mummy...

To My Dear lil 'J' babies:

 Juby and Jasey,

Just wanted you both to know that-



Missing you both and thinking of you always.

Love  and God's blessings,

Mummy

Happy "14 Weeks"!

This is currently my favourite Juby photo!

You can see her cute little face and she looks so peaceful fast asleep!

It’s now been ‘14 Weeks’ since we lost our precious Jubilee. I think of her often, as I know I always will, and both my husband and I pray each night at dinner for her (and Jasey and our babies to come) and ask God to keep her safe until the time that He has ordained for us to all be together again. 

Two weekends ago, we sat behind the most gorgeous, premmie baby girl in church (it must have been her first visit cos I hadn’t seen her before and she was soooo tiny) and that just bought my emotions out to dry again. I really felt like all I wanted was a cuddle of that little baby to somehow soothe the brokenness of my soul but I couldn’t bring myself ( a bawling mess) to ask the mother.  This sparked a huge conversation in the car on the way home: my husband expressed his idea that  I’m a “dweller”  (and maybe there is truth to that) however,  I couldn’t help but respond with: “I’m sorry that you’ll never know what it’s like to have carried a baby inside you.” And I believe, it is that feeling alone, that has driven me to write this blog.

Last night, I went out for dinner with my family for a belated Mother’s Day. I gently reminded mum that today, I would have been 35 weeks pregnant. I was born at 35 weeks and so it’s been a bit of sore point reaching this milestone, knowing that if things were different, I could be giving birth to my baby girl right now and finally becoming the mummy of my dreams.  There was a lady with a pram sitting across from us and I said,  “I just want to be like that and take my pram with our baby in it places.” Sometimes, I just feel so close and yet soooo far. I found this poem at school by accident (or not! Thanks Jesus!) and I couldn’t help but relate:

My life reminds me of a jigsaw puzzle.

As one piece fits into another,

So my days join together to form the picture of my life.

I have mixed feelings as I examine the picture

already half assembled.

Some pieces I would like to remove or rearranged,

But I cannot, for they are fixed in place.

My life, like a jigsaw puzzle has been made up

Of many shades of colour.

There have been the bright, happy times, when things

Have gone smoothly,

There have been the dark, shadowy times of suffering,

despair and uncertainty.

The bright periods have been pleasant,

But I know it has been the difficult and dark times

That have given my life perspective and depth.

As I look to the future, I feel some trepidation-

the boundaries of the picture are not fixed.

How much of my life is still to be completed?

I have no way of knowing, because you only give the pieces to me daily, one at a time.

How many dark periods await me?

Will I have the strength and endurance to keep going victoriously,

No matter what comes my way?

I know I must step into the future with faith,

Believing that as you have been with me in the first half

Of my life, guiding , comforting and teaching,

You will continue to walk beside me in the future.

I do not know how or when my life will end,

But it is my prayer, that when the last piece of the puzzle

 is put into place,

what will appear is not a picture of me,

but a picture of you, O Lord.

During the past 14 weeks, I somehow thought that my pain would be nearly cured but I realise now that for the rest of my life, things will be a juggle between complete joy and the bittersweet and utter tragedy. However, whilst my hands are still empty, my heart is gradually filling each day with renewed hope and joy , through the strength that I find in Jesus Christ. I can’t imagine where and how I would have walked in this journey without knowing He has been by my side the entire time.

It’s been my privilege to share my innermost being with you. I will continue to post from now on, but perhaps not quite as often. However,  I pray that in the coming months and years, I can report back here with much more excitement and enthusiasm as God brings forth His promises in our life.

Jasey Knott

Three weeks ago, I sadly experienced an early miscarriage (you might remember my post on Sunday 22^nd April). Today, I want to share a bit of the journey I've been on over the past couple of weeks.

As soon as I found out that I was pregnant, I was soooo excited and I prayed to God, giving this baby up to Him and trusting that he would use the situation for His glory, no matter what the outcome. I surprised Adam by telling him when he got home from school camp. We were overjoyed, but we were understandably trying not to be at the same time, knowing we have to make it to at least 12 weeks before we can have a stitch put in my cervix.

I went to the doctors, as I was instructed to do immediately upon finding out I was pregnant, at my 6 week check- up. They booked me in for an ultrasound and blood test. They made jokes about me being very fertile! lol! And before I left, one of the gynos, who I saw with Jubilee, tried to reassure me by saying “I really see no reason why you should miscarry.”

 The very next morning, I was praying again for God’s will but added in there: “please God, keep the baby safe though, I really don’t feel like having my character tested again.” Hours later, I wiped pale pink urine. I panicked a bit but remembered from the bleed I had with Jubilee, that if I didn’t get any pain, this could be normal for me and not to stress, so we went about what we were doing for the day and tired not to focus on it. By 8:30 that night however, severe cramping came on and we knew it was all over. I buried what we had in Juby’s pot at the base of her olive tree (which has really grown lots of shoots recently).

We didn’t go the hospital until 2 days later- just to have it confirmed and everything checked- there is nothing they can do anyway- a miscarriage is a miscarriage and it will just happen if it’s going to. It got me thinking more about Jubilee because I found myself feeling doubly disappointed about losing her and that if I hadn’t I would still be pregnant with her and all this would not be happening.  I also found myself telling people that I had “miscarried again” and I corrected myself after the first couple of times- remembering that although medicine would label her birth “a late miscarriage” or a still birth,” I had a live baby inside me who was alive for almost her entire birth and had the privilege of witnessing her heart beat its last. Although a doctor accidently broke my waters, I still went into labour on my own and so, I’ve decided from now on that I will make a clear distinction between the miscarriage of Jasey and the “premature birth” of Juby when I’m speaking to people about their births (which happens quite a bit! So blessed to be able to share my story with others).

Despite the overwhelming feeling of disappointment flooding my soul once again, I feel blessed that at least, I did not have to have a D&C (excellent job, body!) and that we have had blood tests and ultrasounds confirming that there is nothing wrong with me. The gynos confirmed that the miscarriage was unrelated in any way to our loss of Jubilee and that we were (in their words) just in the “unlucky” percentage of pregnancies that end in miscarriage. Whilst I have grieved this, at times, it felt like there wasn’t much to grieve for except my own selfish desires. I’ve felt, at times (usually when I’m wearing my human blinkers and not my Godly glasses! lol!),  like we have gone one step forward and ten backwards. 

In the weeks since, in conversation between my husband and I, what seemed to happen was that we still talked about Juby like she was our only baby, which made me feel a bit uncomfortable like I was forgetting or ignoring the life that we had created and carried, even if it was very brief. In the past couple of weeks, I believe God has placed it on my heart to name this baby with a name meaning that includes/derives from ‘grace.’ I researched some names, and as we have no way of knowing if we were having a boy or girl, have tried to choose a more unisex name. Today, we decided on “Jasey” which means “God is gracious.”  We aren’t going to make a big deal of it but I certainly feel healed in a way, just being able to call our baby by name and not just “the other baby we lost.” God has indeed been very gracious to us! Praise God, we will soon be good to go again J

Psalm 46:10

My First Mothers Day...

Yesterday was technically my first ever Mothers Day :-) I'll admit, I had been a bit apprehensive in the weeks leading up to it- mainly cos of the media hype surrounding it and not wanting people to act awkwardly around me. I made up  my mind that I wasn't going to be offended in any way if people didn't know what to say to me and that I would stand up and recieve the blessing for Mothers at church regardless of what people might think.

My family and freinds remembered to say 'Happy Mothers Day' to me which made it so much easier to bear; just being acknowledged. We had my mother-in-law and Granny out for morning tea which was lovely. My mum bought a bunch of colourful roses for me and got Granny to bring them down to me. My littlest sister made me a card from Juby which said "I love my Mum" on the front :-)

I caught up with some people at church who wanted to let me know that they had been thinking of me and wanted to see how I was getting on which I was really thankful for. On the way home from church, I finally got the courage to call in to see a man who I knew from my old work. He and his family live round the corner from us and I always drive past and think I should introduce myself to his wife- so I just bit the bullet and I'm glad I did.  They have a 5 month old baby and I got to have a cuddle of him: the first baby I've cuddled since Jubilee. That was really special.

My husband gave me a nice big cuddle in the morning and cooked dinner for me. I think he was more sad then I was and that the day brought home many memories for him. I had my little sisters staying over whilst my mum was away at her cousins 50th birthday, so I took them home in the afternoon and had a cuppa with my dad and pampered myself by waxing my legs :-) Whilst I was there, I got a text from my husband saying that he was going to take one of the pink roses from the bunch I  recieved from my Mum and place it on Jubilee's grave. He wanted to have some time to pray and reflect. He inists it was purely for himself but I really appreciated it all the same and asked him to take a photograph so I could keep it as a memory of my first Mothers Day.

Jubilee and Isaac's Headstone

Here are the proofs of Isaac and Jubilee's headstone...I just ordered and paid the deposit on it today :-)  Its going to be a beautiful fully polished granite head stone with laser etching. Its a new type of headstone engraving but it lasts longer than the traditional style and looks more like a monument than your typical grave yard thing. As you can see, the scripture on the back that Mum and I chose with the illustration I chose. And on the front the wording that Adam and I liked with 'Each of us matters to God' which Dad chose: so its been a real joint effort. The lady believed it should be completed and erected within the month which is great because I really want it to be there when Juby's due date (22nd June) comes around, so we can go and visit and put flowers on it. And it will be excellent for Uncle Isaac to finally have a headstone marking his grave after all the time thats past. Still think its cute that they are buried together :-) Love you both xo

13 Weeks...

Today marks 13 weeks since our little Juby entered the world and went up to heaven. I found this photo of me at 13 weeks gestation last night- a much happier time in life; I felt so blessed and carefree: I will never have that pure innocence and excitement again but I look forward to experiencing pregnancy and birth again. Its so amazing and such a privilege. Praise God for His faithfulness :-)

This I call to mind and therefore I have hope:

Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed,

for His compassions never fail.

They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.

 Lamentations 3:21-23

I Will Carry You

I've been blest again recently to have this absolutely amazing blog shared with me:

 I Will Carry You

This is the story of faith filled parents who have recently given birth to a beautiful baby girl named Nora, who has Trisomy 18. Despite doctors telling her mother before birth that she was "incompatiable with life," Nora arrived safely and is now 16 days old and is continually blessing and ministering to her family and complete strangers (like me) alike. I thought this reflection from Nora's mother was meaningful for me and was well worth sharing with you.

I try to think back to an occasion or time in my life that it was of benefit for me to have worried or to have been fearful of the future. I can’t come up with anything. Of course it is our human nature, primal instinct, maybe even a survival mechanism? I suppose it is appropriate to be “worried” about a tornado during a tornado warning, or sharks in shark infested waters. It’s when we mull over things in our minds, imagining and fretting about all of the “what ifs” and worse case scenarios as they relate to instances and situations in our lives and the lives of our loved ones. I can only describe that type of worry as self-induced misery. When we are so used to that way of thinking it is almost impossible to let go of that worry. By letting go of it, we somehow feel out of control. But are we really in control any way?

This morning as I walked through my bedroom with this sweetest of baby girls in my arms, I looked down at her. We were standing in the same spot where I had fallen to the floor 3 months ago, screaming in sheer angst over the news I had just received… “incompatible with life” echoing in my head. If only I could have had a glimpse 107 days into the future. All of the fear, anger, worry in that moment would have been alleviated to see this sweet girl. But life doesn’t work like that. We’re only able to live in the present moment. In the present moment we have the choice of self-induced misery or we can let God simply be in control. In the situation we were suddenly thrust into, I feel like I didn’t really have a choice. There was JUST NO OTHER WAY but to give it to God. It was too incredibly tormenting to handle something like this on our own. If God can handle the big things like this, why should it ever cross my mind that he couldn’t handle the little things?


Praise the Lord for His goodness and faithfulness :-)

Romans 8:28

Been loving the scripture art I've stumbled across on Etsy lately....especially this one, as it is the scripture that my mum has chosen for Isaac and Jubilees headstone ('we've been trying to incorporate things that mum and dad wanted as well as what we would like onto their shared headstone. Its been such a privilege designing it over the past couple of weeks and hopefully I'll be able to share the final proofs with you soon). Its certainly a promise worth clinging too!

Overcoming Fear

'...Joshua...summoned all the men of Israel and said..."Put your feet on the necks of these kings..."' Joshua 10:24 NIV

When Israel entered the Promised Land there were five kings with armies determined to stop them. But God helped Joshua to defeat them and all five kings ran and hid in a cave. So Joshua told his soldiers to bring them out and put their foot on each of their necks.

That day God's Word to His people was: '...Be strong and of good courage, for thus the Lord will do to all your enemies against whom you fight.' (v25 NKJV) What a promise! Are the forces of fear trying to take up residence in your mind today? Are they causing you to think the worst instead of believing God for the best? Are they telling you that you're unworthy to receive what He has promised, that you'll never fulfil the destiny God has in mind for you?

With God, your victory is assured, but you have a part to play in it. You must go into that dark cave, bring each king out, place your foot on their neck and put them to death. These five kings represent your five natural senses: seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting and touching, and God doesn't want you to live according to their dictates.

Your senses are susceptible to every negative thing going on around you, but your faith can lift you above it and give you victory. But you can't just sit down and do nothing. Your passivity gives them the right to rule you. They have no power over you, except the power you give them. So put your foot down!

Amen to that!