He's There Through the Ups and Downs!

Last week I didn’t get to post as much as I would have liked to. The problem was, each day I would want to but the words wouldn’t come. I had a lot of rough days emotionally. The peace I had about everything suddenly became weakened and my strength; frail.

I spent many hours in tears trying to grapple with the reality of our loss.  I experienced frustration, pressure, anger and an inability to deal with the simple things. My wardrobe choices where depressing- it was either a work shirt or something I had worn while I was pregnant- neither an appealing option. I had left my Bible at work and I really felt that I needed it at home with me so I decided that I would go back to work just to collect it. I wasn’t ready, which I knew, and I didn’t really want to see anyone. The whole experience left me with a sour taste in my mouth and a sick feeling in my stomach. I was pushing things to much.

Many times things just happened, that I couldn’t help, which rammed the reality home even more. For example, one night, it began to rain very heavily. I agreed to hop out of bed and shut all the windows. After I had shut the windows, I still felt something wasn’t right. Without even thinking, I went into the nursery and looked into the cradle, just to check if our baby was okay. Then it just hit me again. How does a mother stop being a mother? When your thoughts and decisions are governed by the fact that you are pregnant- when so much of your energy for so long is channelled into preparing for and caring for the child within your womb, how do you suddenly stop and turn that part of you off. I guess, you can’t. That God given, maternal yearning, which has been welling up inside of me for years, will still be there- no matter what happens.

Some days I even felt embarrassed about losing Jubilee because I kept wondering if everyone was blaming me or not understanding the nature of her birth and passing. I wanted to scream at everyone and tell them there was nothing I could have done that I didn’t do. I wanted people to know she wasn’t a sick baby- she was perfectly healthy, my pregnancy was uncomplicated until this point and that she died only because she was too small to live on her own. I kept meditating on these things and nothing brought me much joy – I just wanted my little girl back.

I guess these are normal emotions however, I felt like I was drifting away from the solid ground that I had stood on, so firmly. I wanted to draw closer to God again and to trust him more inextricably; to feel His presence in my sorrow. More importantly, I wanted to experience the joy that comes with inner peace; the peace I had before- I needed it back.

......

At church on Sunday, we listened to our Pastor explaining about trails in life and how we need to be joyous through our trials because they ultimately bring us closer to God and help us to reassess what is important in our lives. This is something I had been trying to focus on but that I somehow lost in the whirlwind of the emotions I had experienced. We sang “God I Look to You” which talks about seeing things with Christ-like vision and wisdom and about God reigning over all the circumstances in our lives. He knew it was exactly what I needed to hear.

 At the end, we went out for prayer and some close friends of our prayed for us. The music was loud and I couldn’t hear much but these too things I remember clearly: ‘incredible blessings’ and ‘peace.’ I need to cling to and declare those things over our life in the coming months. When we sat back down, I had tears streaming down my face. My husband embraced me and I explained how I felt that the devil had been attacking me and had been successful in stealing my joy. We embraced for a moment longer than my husband leaned over and whispered something so powerful it brought me to tears: ‘Leave it all here.'

That was his way of saying:

 ‘Lay your burdens down at the cross; at the feet of Jesus and give it all to him.’

And so this week, I’m resolved to finding joy and comfort once again in God’s presence, in His Word and through the people He has placed around me to give me love and support.

I need to trust in the fact that only God can turn a mess into a message, a test into a testimony, a trial into a triumph and a victim into a victory!

Use me and my situation for Your Glory, Lord- without you, I am nothing. AMEN!