Making Things to Celebrate my Little Girl :-)

I enjoy sewing and have made countless little outfits for other people’s children.  In the days following the passing of my little girl, I was basically on bed rest. I couldn’t stand for very long at one time but I couldn’t sit there and do nothing either! I got to thinking about how with other children we will get to celebrate birthdays and other milestones- and how with Jubilee, this would not be the case. I wanted to make something for my own little girl. The time was now;  I felt I would regret it later if I didn’t put that same creative energy and enthusiasm into creating something special and memorable for her. That is so much a part of who I am and would have been so much a part of the kind of mother I would have been to her- I needed to do some of things I would have done had she been born alive. So I rang the funeral director and arranged that I would make an outfit for her and they were to dress her in it for her Memorial Celebration.

I made a knee length dress and matching headband, bloomers and shoes. Getting the right size was easy because I had this vivid image of how big she was, but to make it more precise I enlarged a photo of her on our computer screen until it matched her actual length in real life (26cm) and then took some extra measurements based on that. Using her little footprints, I was able to cut a custom pattern for her shoes.

The fabric that I used, I had saved for a Christening Dress, if we had little girl. Because Juby was so tiny, I still have enough fabric left to make something similar for another daughter when we have one. It will be cute that the sisters get to wear outfits made from the same piece of fabric.

I was so pleased how it turned out. My husband loved it and was so taken by how cute the little buttons were! He asked where I found them- I’d had them in the cupboard for ages but they were so tiny they weren’t able to be used for other things- but they were perfect for this. I never got to see her in it but I can imagine how cute she would have looked in it.

As part of this need to do stuff for her: I also made her a cake;  red velvet, with pale pink icing. It was decorated with pale pink and tiny polka dot bunting with white,  glittery letters forming her name (thanks to Aunty Bekka for helping).  We all shared a piece at lunch when we gathered following her Memorial Celebration. I also made hot pink and white cross shaped biscuits.

Jubilee's Memorial Celebration

Today, I want to share with you some of the photos and details  of my little  Juby’s Memorial Service.

The funeral director was lovely and allowed me to organise the service exactly how I wanted it: he sent me a template and I was allowed to order it how I like, delete the parts I didn’t like and just make it personal, short and focussed on happy things instead of all the grief. It was still sad: like they say, no one should have to bury their own child but it was the most beautiful celebration that we could have hoped for. 

I wore a little white dress I had worn whilst pregnant at Christmas. I wanted it to symbolise her purity and innocence. I also made the Memorial booklets and tied white raffia and pink cotton through them. It was so special to have our immediate family members present.

During the service, we carried the coffin in, had Psalm 139 read out, lowered the coffin on our own, placed rose petals on the coffin and released some pink and white balloons into Heaven.  We also had ‘our song’ (Without You by Keith Urban) played whilst we released the balloons. Adam and I loved this song when it came out not long after our wedding in April last year. We have it in the car and play it for each other whenever one is upset or we have been fighting- it always makes us smile and remember we are so thankful for the gift of each other- and whenever it is on, we can’t help but sing along. In the hospital, a midwife who deals especially with neo-natal death suggested that we choose a song for our baby and straight away I thought of this, as the second verse starts with:

“Along come a baby girl, and suddenly my little world just got a whole bigger.”

And later, in the bridge:

"Without you I'd survive but I'd have to have notion, That I could live this life, just going through the motions."

It has become really special for us and now even more so with the birth of our own baby girl. We also liked it because it talked about our love for each other which has only grown and deepened through this whole journey.

As part of the service, we read out a letter that we wrote to Jubilee. It was so hard to write and my husband and I just cried the whole time, but we were brave reading it out on the day. I started and then we read each verse alternatively:

Dear Jubilee,

Today, we lay your precious little body to rest, full knowing that you are already with Jesus in heaven and watching over us each day.

In the short time that we spent with you, we knew we had a little fighter on our hands. You were strong and held out till the end of your life on this earth.

 

 

From 6 weeks, I could feel you moving inside me. This was the greatest privilege, as your movements were a constant source of reassurance to me of the hope that as long as I had you, everything was going to be okay.

 

We would have loved to see you run around and giggle and pass through life’s important milestones, however,  God’s plans for you must be much, much bigger than we can imagine.

On the day of your birth, we were so overwhelmed  by just how beautiful and perfect you were. What we cherish the most is how your life, despite its briefness, has taught us both so much about what it is to love and made us more in love with each other.

 

Through your deliverance into heaven, you have also helped us to grow in our faith and to rejoice in the storms of life and so we named you Jubilee, a special name we chose just for you, which means to rejoice.

 

We are constantly thinking of you and we already miss you so much. Our memories of you, our little Juby, will be forever in our hearts.

  Love always,   Mummy and Daddy

He's There Through the Ups and Downs!

Last week I didn’t get to post as much as I would have liked to. The problem was, each day I would want to but the words wouldn’t come. I had a lot of rough days emotionally. The peace I had about everything suddenly became weakened and my strength; frail.

I spent many hours in tears trying to grapple with the reality of our loss.  I experienced frustration, pressure, anger and an inability to deal with the simple things. My wardrobe choices where depressing- it was either a work shirt or something I had worn while I was pregnant- neither an appealing option. I had left my Bible at work and I really felt that I needed it at home with me so I decided that I would go back to work just to collect it. I wasn’t ready, which I knew, and I didn’t really want to see anyone. The whole experience left me with a sour taste in my mouth and a sick feeling in my stomach. I was pushing things to much.

Many times things just happened, that I couldn’t help, which rammed the reality home even more. For example, one night, it began to rain very heavily. I agreed to hop out of bed and shut all the windows. After I had shut the windows, I still felt something wasn’t right. Without even thinking, I went into the nursery and looked into the cradle, just to check if our baby was okay. Then it just hit me again. How does a mother stop being a mother? When your thoughts and decisions are governed by the fact that you are pregnant- when so much of your energy for so long is channelled into preparing for and caring for the child within your womb, how do you suddenly stop and turn that part of you off. I guess, you can’t. That God given, maternal yearning, which has been welling up inside of me for years, will still be there- no matter what happens.

Some days I even felt embarrassed about losing Jubilee because I kept wondering if everyone was blaming me or not understanding the nature of her birth and passing. I wanted to scream at everyone and tell them there was nothing I could have done that I didn’t do. I wanted people to know she wasn’t a sick baby- she was perfectly healthy, my pregnancy was uncomplicated until this point and that she died only because she was too small to live on her own. I kept meditating on these things and nothing brought me much joy – I just wanted my little girl back.

I guess these are normal emotions however, I felt like I was drifting away from the solid ground that I had stood on, so firmly. I wanted to draw closer to God again and to trust him more inextricably; to feel His presence in my sorrow. More importantly, I wanted to experience the joy that comes with inner peace; the peace I had before- I needed it back.

......

At church on Sunday, we listened to our Pastor explaining about trails in life and how we need to be joyous through our trials because they ultimately bring us closer to God and help us to reassess what is important in our lives. This is something I had been trying to focus on but that I somehow lost in the whirlwind of the emotions I had experienced. We sang “God I Look to You” which talks about seeing things with Christ-like vision and wisdom and about God reigning over all the circumstances in our lives. He knew it was exactly what I needed to hear.

 At the end, we went out for prayer and some close friends of our prayed for us. The music was loud and I couldn’t hear much but these too things I remember clearly: ‘incredible blessings’ and ‘peace.’ I need to cling to and declare those things over our life in the coming months. When we sat back down, I had tears streaming down my face. My husband embraced me and I explained how I felt that the devil had been attacking me and had been successful in stealing my joy. We embraced for a moment longer than my husband leaned over and whispered something so powerful it brought me to tears: ‘Leave it all here.'

That was his way of saying:

 ‘Lay your burdens down at the cross; at the feet of Jesus and give it all to him.’

And so this week, I’m resolved to finding joy and comfort once again in God’s presence, in His Word and through the people He has placed around me to give me love and support.

I need to trust in the fact that only God can turn a mess into a message, a test into a testimony, a trial into a triumph and a victim into a victory!

Use me and my situation for Your Glory, Lord- without you, I am nothing. AMEN!

We'll Praise You In Our Storm

“I’ll praise you in this storm and I will lift my hands.

For you are who you are, no matter where I am.

And every tear I’ve cried, you hold in your hands.

You’ve never left my side and though my heart is torn,

I will praise you in this storm.”

Casting Crowns- Praise You In This Storm

Days after Jubilee’s birth, I kept hearing the words of this song in my head. It’s one from about 10 years ago that we had on a worship CD as teenagers. I hopped on Google and found this version of it- I cried the entire time: not because I was sad but because it reminded me that no matter what happens in our lives, we are surrounded by the complete, all-consuming and unfailing love of God. It is amazing how God brings this back to you in the times that you need it the most.  The words just expressed the attitude we are trying to have through our loss. Our hearts are torn- we miss our little girl terribly. As humans we have to accept that God has given us free will and at times bad things are going to happen to us- we are part of a fallen humanity- but it’s who we turn to and where we see God in these things that’s important.  We are trying to keep Jesus at the centre; focussing on Him daily and remembering He is unchanging and He never leaves us.  He rides through lives storms with us and even though it’s hard at times, we have to listen (and often search) for His voice and guidance in times of despair and unhappiness. Praise the Lord for his faithfulness!

My Birth Story

“I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life.

It’s like I just stepped outside, when everything was going right."

(Home by Michael Buble)

When you’re 6 weeks pregnant, 20 weeks seems like an eternity away.

And yet, here I was; so excited to be ‘half way.’  I was glowing. Our baby was kicking constantly inside. At home, our house was being painted and new carpets had been ordered. The picture of our nursery in my mind. Days earlier, my husband's mother had bought a car seat for us.  I felt great and as far as I was concerned, as long as God had given us this little blessing, I couldn't have been happier. Little did I know then; 3 days later our little girl would be born.

After having a bad, heavy feeling and some very minor blood loss at home, we arrived at the emergency section of the hospital at 1am. I had my first ride in a wheel chair as they pushed me up to the maternity ward. I was shaking and felt like being sick the whole time. My husband, who had just felt the baby kick for the first time that night, looked so devastated; like our whole world had come crashing down around us. All night long, I could hear newborn babies crying. At 4 am, I have to go the toilet. My membranes had sagged so low I could feel them. I was then no longer allowed to be upright at all- having to do everything from my bed, which had been positioned so that my hips remained elevated.

The next morning, the doctor told me that I had an Incompetent Cervix; the very same thing that my mother had experienced with my older brother, Isaac, who was stillborn at 24 weeks. With each subsequent pregnancy, she had to have a cervical suture (stitch in the cervix to keep it closed)- that is how I am here today J Every scan, check-up, internal etc. my cervix was closed and I was assured by doctors that this was not hereditary and that I would not need worry about having a stitch put in. The earliest we knew, it was already too late. We were given a choice to either do nothing and the inevitable would happen or to try to have a stitch put in which could, if successful, keep the pregnancy in the womb for at least another couple of weeks and then the baby would be able to survive with the help of machines etc. We decided that I would go to surgery in a feeble attempt to do what we could to save the pregnancy; full knowing that both doing nothing and doing something had fairly much the same success rate. The surgeons broke my waters attempt to push the membranes back to reach the cervix. I had a feeling it wasn’t successful but my husband’s look of agony, as they wheeled me back into the ward, said it all. We then faced the agonising wait to birth my little baby.

I did not sleep properly all night- I woke up every half hour to an hour. The next morning, I called my mum and just asked her to be with me while I waited for my husband to arrive.  We cried together and prayed. I had felt my stomach tightening and knew that this was the start of my labour. In some ways it was relief because at least I knew I wouldn’t have to lie in the hospital for days on end waiting for it to happen; I was as prepared as could be and had a peace about it.

The priest from our church came to visit us and offered to baptise the baby while it was still alive in the womb. This was comforting and a beautiful experience as she was still moving inside me. As soon as the priest left, I got up to go to the toilet. And then I saw her little feet pop out; her tiny toes still moving. And before I knew it, I was giving birth our little baby girl. A bit further along, I saw her little heart beating its last beats. Although, it wasn’t planned, my mum showed up just as she was being born and my husband and I agreed that we would like here to stay with us. She was such a calming and reassuring presence and I loved it that she was praying the whole time.

Our little Jubilee, was born sleeping. I asked to have her placed on my chest straight away. I couldn’t believe how tiny and yet how perfect she was. I think I was also in shock that she was a girl, as my husband and I had opted not to find out the baby’s gender and my husband had almost convinced me I was having a boy. I was so overcome with grief and joy all at the same time.

 ....

On Saturday, my husband showed me a photo of myself in hospital that he had taken on his phone. I broke down into tears in disbelief: it was so surreal. Some days I feel like the loss of our little girl is just a bad dream that I’m yet to wake up from. A pregnancy is completely consuming; you make so many changes both big and small that when it is taken away so quickly, there are often times when  I have to remind myself that I’m not pregnant anymore. These moments are hard but I when I feel down, I am resolved to praising God for his mercy, grace and protection. He knows our pain and because of Him, I am determined to stay strong in His love.

Welcome :-)

I've always wanted to start my own blog but something inside always talked me out of it.

I knew I wanted it to be postive and impacting but I could never decide what I wanted it to be about. Coupled with working full time, I convinced myself that I couldn't do it; that it would be something I might do in the future.

Then yesterday,  I finally decided that I could do it; that I had something so important and so deeply personal to share that it would be worth my effort...

...so here is my very first blog...a piece of me, shared with you...